Healthy families

Unlike other species, human infants are totally dependent on their caregivers to meet their basic needs. Infants are programmed to let us know their needs, and most parents dutifully and joyfully respond by meeting those needs. It's a full-time job for a while.

As an infant has her needs met consistently over the first few months of life, she grows and thrives. She also comes to view the world as a safe place--and herself as a worthy, loveable person. This "secure attachment"--the baby's growing awareness that she can count on having her needs met--enables the baby to use her parents as a "secure base." She can venture out to explore the world, keeping an eye on mom (or dad) and returning to her side when she feels threatened or needs assurance. These first attachment relationships are believed to form a blueprint for future relationships as well.

Children whose needs are met inconsistently or who are neglected or abused do not feel safe or worthy. They may stop crying when they are distressed because no one comes, or reject others in order to feel that they have some control over their environments. Many insecurely attached children become overly dependent, aggressive, or depressed adults who have difficulty forming healthy intimate relationships. Many go on to create similar poor attachments with their own children.

Research shows that the "secure base" the securely attached infant finds in the parent is the reason that these children are higher achievers, are more sociable, and have fewer mental and emotional problems than insecurely attached infants. There is now evidence that secure attachments contribute to healthy brain development, as well.

There is no magic involved in helping your baby build a secure attachment with you. Most parents do it instinctively, especially if they had secure bonds with their own parents. Here are some reminders of how they do it:

• Sensitivity and responsiveness. As you and your baby get to know each other in the first few weeks of his life, you learn to recognize that he is hungry before he becomes distressed--by what time it is, by his rooting at your breast, by signs of fussiness. The infant communicates his needs to you, and the sensitive parent listens to the infant and responds appropriately, feeding him when he is hungry, putting him down for a nap when he is tired, playing with him when he's ready. Sensitivity and responsiveness to your infant can be especially difficult if you are under a great deal of stress due to emotional or financial problems. Research shows that depression is especially detrimental to the parent-infant bond, so if you have signs of depression (disturbed sleep or appetite, weepiness, unusual feelings of hostility or anger, inability to enjoy your baby), seek help immediately for both your sake and your baby's.
• Baby's stress. Never let a baby "cry it out." Your baby's neurological system is quite sensitive to stress, and long periods of high stress can prime him to be unable to calm himself later in life. As you calm him by holding him when he is upset, he learns to calm himself and regulate his own emotions. And no, you cannot spoil your baby this way. Pay special attention to occasions that are extraordinarily stressful for your baby: when he visits the doctor, especially if he is getting shots; when he is in a crowded or noisy place; when he is sick; and especially if he is hospitalized. He needs extra assurance that you are there for him then. Research shows that your soothing voice and touch reduce his physical stress responses.
• Substitute child care. Parents who work and must trust others to care for their infants need to understand that infants can be securely attached to multiple caregivers and may benefit from those attachments. Choose your caregivers carefully, though. If close family and friends are not available, get to know your caregiver. Be sure that any caregiver has enough time to devote to your baby and a safe environment for him. Look for signs that the caregiver is affectionate toward your baby, and is sensitive and responsive to his needs. Just as your stress or depression can be damaging to your baby, a substitute caregiver who is impaired, over-burdened with too many children to care for, or living in a stressful environment, can be damaging to your infant's healthy development.
• Quality and quantity. The quantity of time you spend with your infant is important, too. Your baby becomes attached to her caregivers because they are there to feed her when she is hungry, bathe her when she needs it, and change her uncomfortable dirty diapers. Be sure that both parents have adequate opportunity to participate in meeting baby's basic needs to create those bonds. Families in which one parent is at home with baby during the day should be alert to making sure baby has enough alone-time with the other parent. A day or evening each week alone with each other builds both baby's and father's feelings of attachment.
• Don't be too hard on yourself. Finally, all parents have bad days occasionally. Don't feel guilty about messing up once in a while. It's the pattern of parenting over time that will build a secure attachment in your baby and prepare him for a happy, successful life.

Additional resources to read:

• Zero to Three http://www.zerotothree.org/index.html. Website of the National Center for Infants, Toddlers and Families, a non-profit dedicated to the healthy development of infants, toddlers, and their families.
• Robert Karen's Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape our Capacity to Love. Oxford University Press, (c)1998. This is an excellent academic reference that is also accessible to a wide audience.
• Sue Gerhardt's Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby's Brain. Brunner-Rutledge, (c) 2004. This book summarizes a lot of the latest research about parenting and infant brain development.

(c)2008 Terri Combs-Orme, Ph.D.

Terri Combs-Orme, Ph.D., is a Professor of Social Work at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville and a Resident Fellow at The Urban Child Institute in Memphis.